Turning the Volume Down
Prior and within Holy Week, I was overwhelmed and anxious with the upcoming biopsy results of Lito. You see, this would determine further treatment. If his results turned out bad, it would mean we have very slim options as he has no stem cell donor match. Worse is that, our doctor couldn't give us a word yet as our tests fell prior to Holy Week so results would be delayed because of the holidays. Every day of waiting was torture. I prayed so hard. Lito and I prayed every night. I then decided to be on hiatus.
Hiatus means taking a break.
I would like to redefine that personally as turning the volume down.
I am the type of person who drowns myself in music when things go awry. Most of my friends see me at a corner with my earphones in full volume, without a care in the world.
Music heals, they say.
However, silence also heals.
When the volume of the world is too loud, it helps to turn the volume down and just listen to what your heart has to say. I literally turned the volume of my music one day while I was in the bathroom and I just laid down on the floor and listened to the silence. It was weird at first but I tried to really concentrate and just let myself relax. I heard the tree branches and leaves scraping our windows from outside, I heard the wind, I heard the rain, I heard the water drops of the broken faucet. I heard my heart beating. There was no light from angels telling me about a message from God or all of those prophetic things they say when you are in deep total silence. I just felt calm and peace.
I remembered watching Passion of the Christ on Good Friday, well the first part of it. I couldn't go through the further parts. And there was this scene in the garden where Jesus pleaded with His father with tears in His eyes to save Him from what would lay ahead. There was no answer. And He just said, "Thy will be done". It was the very first time that I truly understood its whole essence of the words. I was about to cry in the first part of the movie.
And somehow, lying on that bathroom floor with the music down, that scene stuck in my head and heart and I felt to just let my anxiety and my fears go. My heart was telling me to just trust in Him, everything will be all right. So, I prayed like Jesus, "Lord, you know what our hearts want and need. But Thy will be done...."
I also gave God His hiatus. I don't know. I tried not to ask too much (tried to lower the volume down for Him), I instead thanked Him a lot for all the blessings He gave us. I even thanked Him for this very humbling experience. It has taught us a lot. There are so many things to be thankful for in this life and somehow, I tried bombarding Him with my appreciation and gratitude.
We prayed every day and every night for that miracle. Days went by slowly, I just spent days with Lito, visited my family, catching up with my series, did Visita Iglesia and went to churches, had Easter Sunday with both families. The next day, I was texting Dr. Nanan Cabahug on the outcome of the results. She replied that it was hard for her to contact the pathology department because that Monday was a holiday as well. Late in the afternoon, she texted me... "Ar, AML in remission... :)"
It was the best news ever. It has been almost 4 months since we started this battle, almost 6 months before we lost our Levi. During that period of time, I was so used to hearing bad news, I have created myself an emotional armor to prepare myself for further bad news. I did not prepare for this, though-- receiving the best news ever since our series of mishaps. It was overwhelming and so relieving at the same time. I just read her text again and again and again before I went to Lito who was in the other room with his brothers, and tell him the good news. I told him and I just cried on his shoulders. We were so happy.
In the midst of all turmoils, it pays to tone it down a little and not listen to all the noise. Instead, listen to that voice inside you. It is guidance. It is pure guidance. And somehow, when we say, "Thy will be done...", it is entrusting and full submission to His path for us. The road may be long and wide, but it always leads us to where we belong. We sometimes insist on our own ways, on our demands at our own time, we didn't know God has better plans for us. It is only in submission to His direction, in letting go of our own ways, that we are led to the right path.
Thank you, Lord Friend, thank you so very much.... I will never turn the volume down when it comes to our gratitude... Amen, amen.. Thy will be done.
*****
On Lito's Battle:
Hiatus means taking a break.
I would like to redefine that personally as turning the volume down.
I am the type of person who drowns myself in music when things go awry. Most of my friends see me at a corner with my earphones in full volume, without a care in the world.Music heals, they say.
However, silence also heals.
I remembered watching Passion of the Christ on Good Friday, well the first part of it. I couldn't go through the further parts. And there was this scene in the garden where Jesus pleaded with His father with tears in His eyes to save Him from what would lay ahead. There was no answer. And He just said, "Thy will be done". It was the very first time that I truly understood its whole essence of the words. I was about to cry in the first part of the movie.
And somehow, lying on that bathroom floor with the music down, that scene stuck in my head and heart and I felt to just let my anxiety and my fears go. My heart was telling me to just trust in Him, everything will be all right. So, I prayed like Jesus, "Lord, you know what our hearts want and need. But Thy will be done...."
I also gave God His hiatus. I don't know. I tried not to ask too much (tried to lower the volume down for Him), I instead thanked Him a lot for all the blessings He gave us. I even thanked Him for this very humbling experience. It has taught us a lot. There are so many things to be thankful for in this life and somehow, I tried bombarding Him with my appreciation and gratitude.
We prayed every day and every night for that miracle. Days went by slowly, I just spent days with Lito, visited my family, catching up with my series, did Visita Iglesia and went to churches, had Easter Sunday with both families. The next day, I was texting Dr. Nanan Cabahug on the outcome of the results. She replied that it was hard for her to contact the pathology department because that Monday was a holiday as well. Late in the afternoon, she texted me... "Ar, AML in remission... :)"It was the best news ever. It has been almost 4 months since we started this battle, almost 6 months before we lost our Levi. During that period of time, I was so used to hearing bad news, I have created myself an emotional armor to prepare myself for further bad news. I did not prepare for this, though-- receiving the best news ever since our series of mishaps. It was overwhelming and so relieving at the same time. I just read her text again and again and again before I went to Lito who was in the other room with his brothers, and tell him the good news. I told him and I just cried on his shoulders. We were so happy.
In the midst of all turmoils, it pays to tone it down a little and not listen to all the noise. Instead, listen to that voice inside you. It is guidance. It is pure guidance. And somehow, when we say, "Thy will be done...", it is entrusting and full submission to His path for us. The road may be long and wide, but it always leads us to where we belong. We sometimes insist on our own ways, on our demands at our own time, we didn't know God has better plans for us. It is only in submission to His direction, in letting go of our own ways, that we are led to the right path.
Thank you, Lord Friend, thank you so very much.... I will never turn the volume down when it comes to our gratitude... Amen, amen.. Thy will be done.
*****
On Lito's Battle:
REMISSION
is a big word for us. It means that based on the last biopsy results, there are no symptoms and signs that can be identified to indicate the presence of cancer cells. This is the very goal of our first cycle of chemotherapy. However, this was not achieved. We just had partial remission. So we had to do the cycle again. The 2nd cycle gave us what we prayed for-- complete remission!
Does this mean that Lito is cured already? No.Not yet. Remission means that the survival rate just tipped to the higher ranges. :) There may still be microscopic stuff left in the marrow that cannot be seen or identified by our current tests. This means that even Lito is in remission, there might be a possibility of a recurrence or what we call a RELAPSE of the cancer. That is not something I am praying for.
So, what do we do? We do consolidation chemo (at least 3 cycles) of a higher dose of Cytarabine to really kill those cancer cells. Or, we could do allogenous stem cell transplantation which means we harvest from Lito's own now-healthy on-remission stem cells (because he has no donor) and transplant that in due time to his own system. However, this gives us a higher risk of relapse. Both options are still to be discussed with our doctors in Manila and Cebu.
And most especially, Pray, pray and pray harder. We need that.
For now, we are very thankful for this miracle. Remission is really a big word for us.
We just kicked Big C hard in the face. Round 1, we won! Thank you Lord Friend. Thank you ninjas. :)
***
Oh by the way, I am slowly back from my own hiatus... :) I miss you, guys!
