Making it LAST
The last bottle of the last cycle.
The catch word- last.
LAST.
How ironic that this word is a venom to most achievers while we feast on its significance in our case.
How many bottles of Cytarabine has it been? I have lost count.
How long has it been? Today, September 2 is exactly 9months from the day you were officially diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.
Prior to the official diagnosis, you had your first ever bone marrow biopsy just to check why you had 150,000 WBC count in comparison to the normal range of 4000-10,000. It was after Christmas.
I remembered we both did our research (which reminds me: DO NOT TRUST EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE NET. Not all cases are similar because we do have different bodies, different reactions. If you depend on the net so much, you will get scared. Trust your doctor. Trust in God). Anyway, we both did our research on the net and all our searches led to the same diagnosis-- leukemia or some kind of blood disease. Do you remember we were even trying to be hopeful that this could be some sort of infection?
And I remembered that one night we laid on the bed, each of us lost in our own thoughts. And I broke the silence by asking, "Pree… what if…" I can't finish the sentence for fear that I might be correct. What if it's leukemia. What if I lose you? What if? So many questions. Bottomline is, I was afraid. And I know you were, too. Did you remember, you held my hand and we faced each other and you said, "Wala na tay mahimo, atubangon nato… (We can't do anything about it, we have to face it together". I just nodded my head in meek reply, not really wanting to believe, partly shaking my head in the hopes that all those were just parts of a dream.
Pre, I remembered our first.
The first hour we cried on the car together.
The first meal with Jayson and Aisee at Dimsum Break in Mango, I was so lost in a trance and you were trying to be funny, Jayson and Aisee not knowing what to do.
I remembered our first day in the hospital, we were hesitant of the nurses and doctors, who after a few days and up till now, became our friends.
I remembered the search for your blood donors, the making of the ninjas, your first vomit, your first trance, your first chills…
As I am writing this, all those are in my head, circling as if in fast forward and yet in slow motion too. It just felt so overwhelming that you know, we made it to here.
Can you believe that it has just been 9 months? Last year, we had different sets of problems--- problems which we thought were so big and so trivial we felt it was the end of the world. And now, in comparison to what we achieved, those problems we thought were so big seemed so small..
9 months. We both changed so much. And yet, some things remained the same, if not, they are just getting stronger.
And now we are down to the last cycle.
Again, the word LAST rings a bell. It makes me realize that in this journey, you don't always have to be first to be win. Sometimes, being last is a good thing because it means you LASTED. You survived. You never gave up. And things are getting brighter.
Would the last mean the end of it all?
I still can't say.
All I know is that we've toughened up so much in this battle to face whatever the future brings along the way. Together- with faith, hope, and love. Isn't that what's most important? Isn't that worth fighting and living for?
I say it always is.
****
Here's a video I'd like to share of a song that has helped me so much during this battle:
A summary of our battles: http://www.arainso.blogspot.com/search/label/Lito%27s%20Battle
The catch word- last.
LAST.
How ironic that this word is a venom to most achievers while we feast on its significance in our case.
How many bottles of Cytarabine has it been? I have lost count.
How long has it been? Today, September 2 is exactly 9months from the day you were officially diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia.
Prior to the official diagnosis, you had your first ever bone marrow biopsy just to check why you had 150,000 WBC count in comparison to the normal range of 4000-10,000. It was after Christmas. I remembered we both did our research (which reminds me: DO NOT TRUST EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE NET. Not all cases are similar because we do have different bodies, different reactions. If you depend on the net so much, you will get scared. Trust your doctor. Trust in God). Anyway, we both did our research on the net and all our searches led to the same diagnosis-- leukemia or some kind of blood disease. Do you remember we were even trying to be hopeful that this could be some sort of infection?
And I remembered that one night we laid on the bed, each of us lost in our own thoughts. And I broke the silence by asking, "Pree… what if…" I can't finish the sentence for fear that I might be correct. What if it's leukemia. What if I lose you? What if? So many questions. Bottomline is, I was afraid. And I know you were, too. Did you remember, you held my hand and we faced each other and you said, "Wala na tay mahimo, atubangon nato… (We can't do anything about it, we have to face it together". I just nodded my head in meek reply, not really wanting to believe, partly shaking my head in the hopes that all those were just parts of a dream.
Pre, I remembered our first.
The first hour we cried on the car together.
The first meal with Jayson and Aisee at Dimsum Break in Mango, I was so lost in a trance and you were trying to be funny, Jayson and Aisee not knowing what to do.
I remembered our first day in the hospital, we were hesitant of the nurses and doctors, who after a few days and up till now, became our friends.
I remembered the search for your blood donors, the making of the ninjas, your first vomit, your first trance, your first chills…
As I am writing this, all those are in my head, circling as if in fast forward and yet in slow motion too. It just felt so overwhelming that you know, we made it to here.
Can you believe that it has just been 9 months? Last year, we had different sets of problems--- problems which we thought were so big and so trivial we felt it was the end of the world. And now, in comparison to what we achieved, those problems we thought were so big seemed so small..
9 months. We both changed so much. And yet, some things remained the same, if not, they are just getting stronger.
And now we are down to the last cycle.
Again, the word LAST rings a bell. It makes me realize that in this journey, you don't always have to be first to be win. Sometimes, being last is a good thing because it means you LASTED. You survived. You never gave up. And things are getting brighter.
Would the last mean the end of it all?
I still can't say.
All I know is that we've toughened up so much in this battle to face whatever the future brings along the way. Together- with faith, hope, and love. Isn't that what's most important? Isn't that worth fighting and living for?
I say it always is.
****
Here's a video I'd like to share of a song that has helped me so much during this battle:
A summary of our battles: http://www.arainso.blogspot.com/search/label/Lito%27s%20Battle
