Until Eternity

Ed Note: The following is my eulogy for Lito before he was sent to his final resting place last September 30, 2012 at Mactan Memorial Garden. Writing this was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. He died last September 24, 2012 after 2 days in Intensive Care strongly fighting against sepsis, when his body had no natural defenses. This blog might be idle for a while as I go try to find myself and honor the pain that Lito has left in his passing. I will be back writing as I owe it to Lito to share his story. Please pray for the eternal repose of his soul, that he will go into Jesus' embrace. Please pray for the strength of those he left behind, that we might be able to endure the emptiness of Lito's absence. Farewell, my ninja, my wab, my life.. I love you until eternity.

the rain cleared for Lito- Sept 30, 2012. Photo by Ryan Raymund Yu

When Lito and I got married three years ago, I never imagined that this day would come soon enough. I was one of those arrogant people who takes life a little bit for granted and assumes that there’d always be another day, another hour, another minute. It was only when Lito and I had our battles that it opened my eyes to this fact that life is short and we don’t have a hold against it. It is cliché to say the least that he is in a better place.. It frustrates me to know and accept that wherever that better place is, he's not with me anymore. 

The past few days have been a blur. When people ask me how I am, I would always say—lutaw (floating). Not just because I didn’t have enough sleep for more than two weeks, I guess. But it’s like I’m floating, like all of these are just a dream, like Lito would just come out of the coffin and say, “haha.. joke!” It sounds crazy but I feel he’d be the only one who could pull off that prank. So many times have I pinched myself and slapped myself to remind myself that this is really happening.

I can remember last Monday when I rushed to his side while the doctors pumped life into him. He was lifeless, bloated, bruised, exhausted. He can’t talk and his body was attached to a lot of tubes from the many antibiotics and medicines.  I was screaming when I saw him that they had to let me out. Lito fought hard, and he really wanted to live. When they tried to resuscitate him, he was even revived the first time. So I asked all the doctors and nurses inside if they could leave me alone with my husband. Since he can't talk, I was the one always saying, “Pree, I love you. Thank you for fighting. Please fight more… Please pree.. I can’t live without you.. Please take me with you if you’ll go… “I tried to kiss him but he was full of tubes.. I then stopped and looked at his tired face, my heart gripping in pain with his state. This was a warrior who never gave up til the end and I felt that yes, he must be in so much pain and how well he fought! So I finally said, “Pree, kung maglalis ta, ikaw man jud masunod. If ako ang imo pabut-on, (Pree, if we argue, you are always the one who wins the argument. If it would be up to me) I’d rather you be here no matter what it takes.. But if you feel tired already and decide to go, I’d respect that…” Minutes later, his heart rate went down and they had to revive him again but can’t. I was praying and crying outside when a cold whisp enveloped my body, like it was hugging me. I stopped crying and told my sister who was with me the whole time, "Day, it's so cold, so cold". I never believed in these things til then. In my mind, I told him I love him.

I was with Lito on his battle since day 1 or negative day one. Flashback December 2011 when we had his biopsy and we were dreadly awaiting for the results during the holidays, I remember we were lying on the bed and we were facing each other. Both him and me just did our research and came out with the results that it might be leukemia. We were just staring at each other until I asked him, “Pree, what if it is?” And he said, “Then wana tay mahimo pree. Kayanon nato…(We can't do anything about it, Pree.. We have to endure it)” I just nodded and we held hands, secretly promising myself that whatever it takes, I’ll be there for him.

When the doctor finally announced last January 2 that indeed, he had Acute Myleoid Leukemia, I was crying in front of Doc but not Lito. He was so composed and said, “How long do I have?” the doc wasn’t able to reply and told him about the treatment, etc. Finally, he broke down when we entered in the car and said, “Why me??” I didn’t know the reason then but somehow in the last few days, I felt like I could answer that question now.

Lito's memory wall-- Because the FB wall is too mainstream

It might be painful and yes, I have my questions. Why Lito? But then again, when he started treatment, in and out of chemo, etc. , never had he let his fighting spirit down. He was so positive and jolly he could make it. He made sure that even in pain, he could make others smile. During lots of bone marrow biopsies, it seems like you’re drilling a hole through his bone marrow. Lito had more than ten of those. Yet, the Hema-Onco department and his doc never saw him cry. He even made up a Lito face in that pain chart. He called it negative pain scale because he’d be laughing amidst the pain. He made it all look so easy when others would easily crumble. So why Lito? Because nobody could fight and face those battles with bravery and grace just like him.

Another question that I have in the midst of my frustrations is, “Why now??” After braving through all the chemo cycles, after all the reverse isolation, after everything, why now? That I cannot answer. Lito didn’t die of cancer, by the way. He was cancer free when he died. He was on remission. It was sepsis that killed him. In a way, he won the battle against the Big C. And he really fought hard. When people visit the wake, most of them would ask how young Lito is and I would say, “29”. Of course, they would say, darn, he’s too young. Too soon. But then again, how young should he have died? Could the pain be any lesser if he died at 15? Or months after we got married? Knowing Lito, and I share this with him, he doesn’t want people to say he’s sayang. Or to pity him or me. In fact, when you look at his wake—all those success and achievements and the evidences of people whose lives he touched—those are things that should not be pitied upon. At 29, Lito was able to live a full life. He was raised by good parents, he had a great time with his siblings, he had a computer shop, did photography, bought what he wanted, traveled the world, did his own workshop, made a name for himself. In fact, the more people shared about him, the more proud I am of how well he did all those 29 years. Too young, yes. But his passion and kindness has made him do things not all people his age or his generation could ever achieve.

One of the things that I am proud to say is that, during Lito’s passing, I or I dare say, we, didn’t regret anything. There were no words left unspoken or actions left undone. His battle has toughened both of us to express ourselves without any qualms. We talked about anything and everything. Like how proud he was of siblings when they do good, and how he would always think of ways to reward them when they do good. He was talking non-stop about how great a father Papa Lito was and adamantly telling me he’s one of the best goddamn lawyers in this country. He was telling me that he was so happy of Mama’s support and that he wishes he could support Mama now in her state. Pa, Ma.. he was so proud to be your son and he was struggling to keep that pride. To Bryan, Stanly, Mona. You guys don’t know how much he loves you. He always wanted the best for you guys. He may not be able to express it well but he means well in everything.

He loved my family as much as  I loved them. His good heart emanates from within. We are not rich and we are not blessed financially and Lito never saw this as a barrier to our relationship. We couldn't afford to have shoes for our youngest once after we paid for his tuition. Lito surprised him by buying shoes for him. He also helped in my Dad's physical therapy when he had a stroke. He loved my Mom, my Lola, my brothers and my sister and my Dad. This was one of my number 1 qualification for a husband and he had that naturally.  

During Lito's "sendoff party"/eulogies. Marg Carangue sang a song from one of Lito's favorite bands, Boyz2Men. A second voice is so audible during the 3rd minute of this video. We believe it's Lito. 

He was also a good friend, we talked about our friends and their situations. He was happy, so happy, especially when he did something good. He does not choose friends, and he can make you feel so warm and comfortable even when he’s in pain or even when you just met. He can relate well to professionals or to janitors, walay pili. He was so easy to love and so hard to forget.  The latest LAN Party in SM—he wasn’t supposed to be there because I told him not to but he insisted and said, he wanted to surprise Elmer and be there for his Cheap Riggers. He was so happy he went there and he was so proud of Cheap Riggs. In Fafagraphy, he was looking forward to the next time we’d pundok2x. He’d make it a point that he’ll be there. He loved Fafagraphy so much, each and everyone of us. The last pundok (get together) we had was I think Peter’s wedding. He was so excited to surprise Peter. I was laughing because that speech he made was written and re-written a couple of times, rehearsed, and begged the doctors that he’d go out of the hospital even for a few hours just to deliver that speech. Oh, how he loved his friends! Dali ra pud maikog si Lito. He doesn’t take advantage on anyone and would never step on anyone. He always wanted to do good. He was so happy when a foreigner gave him a tip for great service. He would always tell me to be kind to them because they also need people to understand them And when people misunderstand him, he would ask, “Pree, unsa akong sala? (What have I done wrong?)"And even if he did wrong, he’d be man enough to say sorry. Like when we have our fights, how he makes it up can make me forget why we fought.

Lito was OC—every detail should be considered no matter how minute. He would tell me about the lighting sa camera, even the lights in Jarvis, his computer; he would tell me why it is important to leave everything behind to face the customer and to always do good maski pa walay mabalik sa imo (even though nothing is given back in return). In a way, even his death must have been unconsciously prepared by him. He made sure that I am surrounded with support from friends and family. I dread the days to follow but I know it might be a bit tolerable with all the love and support of the people whose lives he touched, great enough to stand by me through this grief. With that, I would like to thank each and everyone of you most especially Papa, who took care of everything maski wala na siya pahulay, (even though he hasn't rested yet) his siblings, his cousins, his relatives, my family, my best friends, Belle, Norman, Vianney, JB, Eda. My fafagraphy family, my Cheap Riggs family, my iSTORYA.NET Family and everyone else. I apologize if I cannot mention you one by one but you know who you are.

mini exhibit of Lito's work in photography during the wake

Lastly, today, paree, I feel you. I can feel you beside me and if you could hear me, I’d like to tell you thank you so much mywab. Thank you for being the best husband anyone could ever hope for. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for never failing to say and show you love me. Thank you for loving my family. Thank you for our baby talks. Oh God, I’m gonna miss you so much. Our stuffed toys won't have voices anymore. Thank you for reminding me to take my vitamins. Thank you for making me feel beautiful even if I don’t have make up. Thank you for the kind words, the friendship. Thank you for defending me, thank you for pushing me to do the things I love to do. There is so much to thank, so many memories that it puts a grip in my heart to say this, that I call your name and talk to you as if you’re here. I may be getting crazy but I can still hear you replying. I’ve known you for years, Pree, boyfriend-girlfriend for 5years then married for 3. But all the things we’ve been through, it feels like we’re married for 50. 

babies saying goodbye to their daddy

Ours is a love that knows no bounds, and that can surpass anything, including the Big C, the loss of a son, and at this point, separation from death. For love does not die. It lives. And until eternity, I will always love you.We are always together that right now, I cannot bear the fact that I'd be doing things without you.. Things have been easier when you were here.. Now I am so lost, I dont know where to start or how to go through this ordeal without you pushing me forward, without your embrace. I am pained by the fact that I cannot kiss you anymore or laugh with you, cry with you.. Watch our tv series together, buzz u in the midst of work and tell you I love you Pree, I’m gonna miss you so so much. Every “Ewow, crazy, realest.. every hug, every smile, every kulitan.. I will miss rubbing your hair or you tickling me so I can snort, I will miss being treated like a princess. I will miss our food trips, our travels, I will miss your laughter and the way you look at me. I will miss our away2x, our lalis in the car when i drive, the tahnayts and our mushy conversations. you were not afraid to show your love... Pree, you have done so so much for me and though I am in pain, I am grateful that God gave me you and gave me those wonderful years of being with you. I love you so much.

Our final conversation was when you were in delirium and you were refusing the respirator. We had to restrain you and it was one of my most painful decisions.. I asked you who I was.. And you gave me that boyish smile of yours and said, you are Ara Inso and you are my wife and I love u so much...and you pouted your lips for a kiss and behind my mask, I kissed you not knowing it would be our last..

With that, pree-- you are THE Lito Inso, you are my husband. I am proud to be your wife and i love u very very much...

that smile is present in most chemo sessions.
he made it so easy for us who took care of him

People say I am strong because I sacrificed a lot for Lito. I want to correct that statement that there was no sacrifice there. It was done with passion and Lito made it so easy for me to be by his side during everything. I believe deep in my heart that if I were in his shoes, he’d take care of me as well. I am strong because Lito guided me to be strong. He would always remind me to take my vitamins so I will have energy for the day. During his last days, he was even considering my well-being and naikog siya ngano grabe ko atiman niya (he was considerate that I didn't have enough rest while taking care of him). I just want you to know Pree—I never got tired of taking care of you. It was my honor, my pleasure, my love.. If I could give you my life, I would. 

I remember this conversation we had. We were joking and I was saying, “Pree. I have a deal with God that I will die before you.. “ And he jokingly said I was selfish. And in a serious tone, he said, “Ako siguro mauna pree uy… (I might go first,  pree)“ And when I asked why, he said, “Because di nako makaya wala ka.. (Because I cannot bear to live without you) You, on the other hand, are strong enough to live even without me..” I didn’t concede and I don’t know if I am but I owe it to him, to continue his legacy, to continue that goodness and to continue to live. I guess he’d want that. Lito always wanted the best for me. Pree, you have always wanted to be Wolverine with Ultimate healing powers. Well, I would like to imagine that you are in that place where there is no pain, and there are no intermittent internet connections, where there is no sickness, where you can rest and not have a care in the world and where you can take care and play with our son…  I love you so much pree that for my final gift, I’ll try to survive without you so you can go rest in peace.. I will live a life that you can be proud of… Pree, ok ra ko (Pree, I'm fine..) Don’t worry about me. I will be fine. We will be fine. Your family and I, your friends—we will take care of each other. Ikaw rest na… (You take your rest) We will always remember you and we will always miss you. So pree, go into that ray of light you were talking about with happy people. And please, tell Levi that I love him so much. You can now play with our son. I wab you, my wab, my pree, my best friend, the realest, craziest wab in the world.. I love you. I love you.

smiling for my wab.
during my 31st bday, days after he passed away

During weddings, Lito has this technique to the groom that says, “Okay, give me a smile for the bride…” And then after, he would say, “Okay, give me a smile for Lito..” and the groom would always laugh that and he would capture that. So before we bid our final goodbye, let us all cherish the memories he gave us and give him that smile he always want from us.

I love you so much. Until eternity my wab. ‘Til then.. Take care of Levi and I’ll see you both when it’s my time.