Home and Never Alone
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| goodbye for now, m going home! |
IT TOOK...
51 needle injections
4 missed events
5 awesome blood donors
5 transfusions
countless trips to the pharmacy
big amount of hospital and medical bills
7days of Cytarabine
3days of Idarubicin
1 chemotherapy cycle
and TWENTY FIVE days of isolation
before we heard the magic words from Dra. Cabahug—“Okay, Lit.. you may go home for now.”
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| finally free.. |
Home.
It took time to register everything else that the doctor had to say—precautions, what to do, what to avoid, medicines to take, scheduled medical appointments—because the word HOME reverberated to our ears and heart. We couldn’t help but smile all through the day.
We are so happy. We called Lito’s parents and family right away and they are happy. Status update was posted right after announcement and it got a viral response in less than an hour—all were happy. Dr. Cabahug sent us clearance with a smile and even Dr. Hernandez, our IM for Infectious Diseases said she was happy. Even the nurses, resident doctors and nursing aides are happy, though bittersweet because they said, they will miss Lito—the only one who memorized their names and greet them by their names with a smile even though he’s in pain. God, I’m so proud of the courage my husband has.
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| gave Krispy Kreme doughnuts to our nurses! thank you! also gave a box to the Blood Bank/Lab staff, nursing aides and resident doctors |
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| Lito with his nurses! We will see you again soon! |
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| in the car, on the way home.. |
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| finally home |
While our journey is still long and challenging, I know the euphoria of coming home to a place of happy memories and familiar surroundings is a common joy that many of us have experienced sometime in our lives. You can understand how we feel at this moment. I've never seen a smile so big and an excitement so contagious when he went inside our room. He assembled his media player right away, it's like witnessing a little kid play with his very first Lego set.
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| our babies outside our room. sacrificing for daddy. |
Home to Lito is surrounding himself with things he loves and are all so familiar with: his computer, his TV, a faster internet connection (okay. WAY faster internet connection) our bed, our babies (who are outside the room), sunlight streaming through our protractor-like windows, collectible toys—each piece contains a memory and a reflection of himself. Home is the place he missed the most—the dining room where he can chat with the whole family, his parents’ room where we play Pinoy Henyo and laugh our hearts off, his business that’s just right outside the house and amidst isolation, it is where he knows that the love of family can be within reach and he won’t miss things as much—laughter can be heard outside the room, brothers, sister and parents can easily go to him, provided they wear ninja masks and follow sanitation rules. His family and relatives are his top soldiers and being with them gives him enough courage to face the battle in the next few days.
The happiness of going home might be short-lived because we will be staying at home for 2weeks only. During that time, Lito will still be on reverse isolation, I still have to wear my mask, sanitize myself, and make sure I won’t get sick while taking care of him. His blood counts will still be monitored through a home service CBC by a medical technician at chosen diagnostic center. If his platelets will go lower than 20,000 we will have to transfuse. I pray that it won’t go down to that level.
Alright.. to give you an idea of how our upcoming days will go, here’s a summary..
Hold your breath.
Are you holding your breath?
Ok, here goes.
On February 1, he will have his bone marrow biopsy to check remission of cancer cells from the induction cycle of chemotherapy. We will wait for the results on February 6, fly to Manila on the 7th with his siblings, meet with Dr. Francis Lopez, our stem cell doctor on the 8th plus bone marrow matching lab tests on the same day. We will fly back to Cebu on the 9th, celebrate Papa’s (his dad’s) birthday together with the whole family, then go back on the 10th at Chong Hua Hospital for another cycle of chemotherapy consolidation. It will be a higher dose. Higher dose means stronger drugs and stronger side effects. We are bracing ourselves for this. This also means another month of hospitalization.
Phew!
You get the gist? I tell you, there are a lot of crap things I could say about the Big C (understatement of the month) but all I want to say all throughout the course of this battle is that Lito—the love of my life, the brave brave ninja—is NOT his cancer. He is a son, a brother, a friend, a cousin, a nephew, a photographer, an uncle, a confidante, a husband, he was even a father. If you get the chance to know him, you are one lucky person. And to be married to a Lito Inso is more than a stroke of luck, it is God’s destiny for me, I still can't thank Him enough for leading me back to him.He is kind, thoughtful and fun to be around and although the Big C is a strong enemy, I will not allow it tor anyone to take that away from him. Cancer destroys cells, but it will never destroy one’s character. It is scary, yes. I fell victim to its power a few weeks back—it was draining and tiring and I would never want to go through that again. But one thing I've learned, cancer is big but it is not that powerful enough to break our determination to become instruments of hope. That’s why I’m blogging about this and somehow, this thing about me writing about this battle that my husband has to go through has turned the whole fight around. Instead of focusing on the fear, all the support and love makes us focus on brighter things ahead.
I have always been a victim of negativities, being affected right away when things go awry. I react too often and get misinterpreted along the way. Somehow, this battle has, in a way, let me found my path to my inner home. For the past few weeks, I am transformed into a believer of positivity. This thing about cancer, well, two people can go through exactly the same thing—one can have a positive outlook or a negative one. With what I’ve researched and based on my studies before in Psyc, having a positive outlook ALWAYS has a better chance in healing and the process to that healing brings miracles as well.
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| Lito's fam (L-R Stan, Lito, Mama, Papa, Mona, Bryan) |
And I’m not talking about healing quickly, but also about healing COMPLETELY and HOLISTICALLY- be it physically, emotionally, spiritually. We are humbled and we are urged to seek comfort from God. We now have a deeper faith, a stronger will and a much more faithful and hopeful heart. It gives us fresher eyes to appreciate ordinary things we often ignore in days we don’t have problems—we get to be more grateful with every support, with every prayer, with every day that we wake up alive. We get to appreciate how his sister taught us how to play monopoly cards, that bonding his brothers and him have every time they play WOW, his Mom’s support on the business despite having her own battles herself and his Dad’s overwhelming guidance and fatherly warmth by just being there.
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| Inso cousins |
We get to appreciate the presence, support and love of FAMILY—something most of us often take for granted. For yeah, yeah.. you might tell me—arrgghh! I hate my Mom, my father has left us, I could never forgive him/her, I don't have anyone, My family is crazy!, etc. etc. I believe that God designed and chose our family for us, each one uniquely moulded for us to become who we are now. There’s no perfect family, I know. But then again.. you can’t go through life without one. You may act tough and strong to be alone, but your heart will never be home without a family. If you literally don't have one, I'm sure God has never left you empty-handed. Family can be seen in the warmth of true friends, a memory, a neighbor, an officemate, a loved one, a hobby, a pet, God's natures, a book, in the deepness of your being. God provides us with such because by nature and by God's will, we can never go through this world, or any battle in between, alone and without a family.
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| Chiu cousins-- Ahia Benson and Achi Janessa's wedding |
So with this, let this be an opportunity for Lito and me to thank Lito’s family. Papa, Mama, Bryan, Stanly, Mona, Lola, Tatay, Nanay, his cousins, the Inso family, the Chiu family.. THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts. We may not say it often but your love, care and support did not fall on deaf ears and cold hearts. Thank you for being such a blessing, for loving my husband and for accepting me as well. Problems and challenges will never leave us unscathed but without each and everyone of you, we are never alone, unprotected or unloved. For that, thank you so much, we love you.
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| Lola with his apo's |
As for you, whoever you are who’s reading this: I challenge you to take a look at your own family right now. Look beyond the imperfections, look beyond the flaws. Take that blindfold of negativity and see the positive things they do for you, every little thing. Have you thanked them today? Did you thank your father for that pat on the back? Did you thank your Mom for preparing that food? Did you say, Nice one and thank you every time your siblings make you laugh? When was the last time you said I love you to each and every one of them? If you do this often, kudos, my friend.. Keep on doing that. If not, what are you waiting for?
In saying all of this, even going home for just 2weeks and in isolation might be a little thing for some, but for us, it’s a very very heartwarming blessing. And we could never set that aside. Lito will have a hard and long journey ahead but all of these blessings give us enough strength to say,
“Screw you, CANCER!”
You may give us long days in the hospital.
Pain.
Injections.
Funds depletion.
Challenges.
But still, screw you!
Lito has his family.
Lito has his friends and relatives.
Lito has his soldiers.
Lito has Levi as his ninja angel.
Lito has a bigger and powerful God.
And most of all, Cancer…
Lito has me..
And with that, I can assure him, that no matter where this journey would take us, he will always be home and will never ever be alone.
Find the sweetest smile at the end of this vid. Our ninja is finally home.
