Of Love Handles, Spits, the Big C and our Battle Gears (ver.2)

I am a coffee girl, I always am. Back in my first job, I have always been associated with my coffee mug. But then tonight, I decided to drink milk so I can sleep. It has been so long since my insomnia attacks have left me and believe me, I do have this habit of dragging people along when sleep doesn’t want to leave me alone. Oh well, angelic as I am (spare me the reactions, I’m all alone at 3am!), I don’t want to spoil my wab’s snores. I might as well blog out my emotions. Which made me think--- ahh, emotions!

Aside from being dubbed as the coffee girl, my reputation has not been concentrated to decaf, thank God. I have also been dubbed by my close friends and my cousins and brothers as the Emo Queen, the Sensitivity Goddess. Along with this innate sensitivity is that innate character to feel and react and I remember this one crazy afternoon with Lito.. We planned on watching You’ve Got Mail but decided not to (thank God for the poor download). Instead, we kind of like talked. And I was so overwhelmed by my sweeping emotions of just looking at him and feeling insanely happy—the way he crinkles his eyes and tickles me to death and just plain smiling at me, or the way he takes photos of me when I’m not looking (or acting as if I’m not looking.. vanity is a virtue? Haha—not!).

At that moment, I said to myself, “Ara girl, you have to slow down… Ayaw padala sa emosyon!” You see, I’ve had my share of heartbreaks and bad breakups that I am trying to be careful when I give in to whatever emotions I am feeling. I told myself that the next time I’ll fall in love, he should be the one. Too much pain has left that heart of mine in a panic mode whenever those first few signs of kilig would set in.

But then, there he was—Lito. He made me forget my crazy promises of never going to feel immense love again. He made it so easy for me to love him NO MATTER WHAT.  He made it so easy for me to let go of my inhibitions and my fears.

at "our place"

I have always been the crybaby, a tearjerker. When I’m happy, I cry. When I’m sad, I cry. When I see a touching commercial (Gina, kain ka na.. Karen po...Ito para sa paboritong apo ko na si Karen… ), I cry. So some dared to ask me how I did it,  how I was able to smile and act so strong during our battle with the Big C) They ask how I was able to sacrifice for him during his sickness, especially when he’s acting bratty at times. This question makes me smile as these questions are no-brainers. The strength comes from God, I know. It also comes from the fact that Lito has been such a strong and influential force in my life. These things that I do for him are so LITTLE and are nothing at all, compared to everything he did to me in my life, that these are not worth to be called sacrifices. If they are, he's worth every thing. I am doing this because Lito loves me immensely and I couldn’t help but love him back. I believe deep in my heart that if our situation is reversed, Lito would go beyond the extra mile just to take care of me. And I tell them, when you love someone, you can. 

But why do I love him, you ask? Though they say that there shouldn’t be any reason for loving, Lito has done so many wonderful things in my life that I just couldn’t count the reasons why. I could summarize them, though.This summary, does not in any way, make me or Lito an expert in love and relationships. We’ve been through so many fights and debates and storms and everything you can imagine, but somehow, we made it through. For us to survive these battles, we were given by God with ample battle gears and enough preparation. We call them experiences harnessed by pains and surpassing them. Each strike has made us stronger. Strength like this cannot be produced in a day but by years of struggle, of believing and of being together. So I'm sharing these things that made us survive as a couple when others would seem to easily give up. If we made it through to anything before, this Big C is just another future victory on our list. 

Lito's Battle Gears:

1.     LISTENING HEART. He listens to me. As in really listen. Not just some deaf ear or that obligatory kind of way. He has been my source of guidance and support. Listening to ME is a very hard job, I tell you. Reasoning with me is doubly hard. I've had some downfalls in my life and he was always the one who cheered me up and remind me that in this life, you lose when you give up (I'm telling this back to him now-- do not give up! You lose when you give up!) Being a Psyc grad myself, it's ironic that we are the ones who also long for someone to listen to us the way we do to others. Well, he is my personal counselor. And I am forever blessed to have him in my life. 

2.     UNDERSTANDING each OTHER. We have a natural ease and flow. Like, we don’t have to say anything or analyze things just to understand things or understand each other. We just do. I mean, I do understand him for his being bratty and vain and all and he understands my temper (and there’s never a dull moment with him—the snorts, the tickles, the jokes—man, the jokes!) We take into consideration that there are two sides to every story, that it takes two to tango, that relationships cannot grow if only one person will work on it. It always takes TWO (not one, not three. just two haha). 

trying to kiss me after i got so mad at him

3.     INSPIRATION. I remember in high school, he was our photojournalist, I was a feature editor. Back then, we would tell each other good luck and kaya na nimo, etc. It is amazing that up til this very moment, we still encourage each other with whatever talent we have-- him with his photography and me with my writing. He's my number one cheerleader. In times when I doubt myself, he would say, "Paree, write something for me.. Maybe you can feature this.. ". Funny but somehow, these words coming from him boost my energy to do more. I don’t have to compromise into changing myself and he has encouraged me to let me do what I do best. He encouraged me to pursue my love in writing, something that I have been putting on hold for such a long time. In the same way, I have been doing the same to him. No biases but if I am not his girl, I would still be his number one fan when it comes to photography. I praise his work, and encourage him to do workshops, pursue the business, participate in international contests. In a way, we have inspired each other to be the best that we can be and somehow, our talents have meshed together, making us a great team. 

4.     TRUST.  If trust for me before is like getting Jupiter to be neighbors with Earth, he might have done that. He has taught me to trust myself and eventually know how and who to trust. Jealousy has been an inside joke between us. I have always been the jealous type but with him, it is not the case for he has given me no reason to doubt him or to get jealous. I don’t get afraid of losing him to some big hot chick/commercial model with fake boobs and crooked eyeliners (hahaa). On the other hand, he has trust and faith in me, too--- Yes, it doesn’t go one way. It’s a great feeling that you don’t have a police-like figure who checks up on you every now and then to see if you’re fooling around. It’s  full trust and confidence. We understand the nature of our jobs (him in photography, me as a hotelier before), we understand our friends and we understand that at the end of the day, we love each other and there’s nothing to fear.

5.     HARD-CORE SPOIL. He pampers me—like a princess. I NEVER ask him for anything. Yet he knows what I want, he knows what I need. And before I even have the chance to ask for it, he gives it to me. I am that blessed. He never gets tired of surprising me—from as simple as that much needed consoling embrace to little cards, to crazy texts, to flowers (when he was in Canada, he sent flowers at my office just because he missed me), to gadgets, jokes, songs, surprise dates, ahhhh! The list is never ending! I am his own princess and I couldn't in any way, imagine how I could ever return the favor for making me feel so loved. 

doing one of our projects together.. me serious 
and Lito trying to samok hehe

6.     RESPECT. As much as we have a common ground—massages, food, movies—, we do have a lot of differences as well. Like, I love poetry. He hates it. I love reading, he sleeps in the first paragraph. When he wants to read something, he buys the book, lets me read it and have it told to him chapter by chapter (believe me, I was able to read Warcraft, never had I been so much acquainted with dragons and elves and stuff). He enjoys bodybuilding, I loathe muscles and look for love handles instead. He is the best professional photographer I know, whereas I find it hard to know the difference between aperture and depth of field or whatever! Bottom line is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. When we argue, we make sure to talk about it before the day ends. And we compromise. We accept the fact that you just cannot mould another person into something he/she is not. And encouraging each other to have a common ground, meet in between and appreciate those differences. All of these comprise how together, I am proud to say that we are a great team. We have done lots of projects together and we have done so much and succeeded a lot as a pair, because we respect each other. 

prenup project-- taught our couple how to pose

7.     NO BOUNDARIES.  I am a part of his world. How he acts towards me is how he acts towards other people too. When he farts, he farts. He spits on my face (for fun, on the beach). With him, I don’t have to pretend to be another person. The spontaneity is there and most of the time, we just laugh at it. He is a part of my world, too. He loves my family so much, it makes me cry sometimes that he would sacrifice as well for my family. And although our world is not summarized with spits and farts (yech), we have gelled together in a way that his world and my world are one.

Lito with our baby, Blue.. :) 

8.     MUSHED UP. Mushy, you say? Our non-mushy friends always cringe when we are full-force in our mushiness. I have thought that we should put a trademark in the word—WAB. Yes, I still believe we started this. Seriously. We have evolved our endearments from Dong/Day to Mywab to Daddy/Mommy to Crazy/Realest to Pareee. We have a dozen babies, we do baby-talk. Basically, the point is-- we don't care how corny it is. We're just not ashamed to shout to the whole world that we love each other and we don't get tired of doing that. There's no expiration date in expressing your love. If your love is great, you show it, you say it-- out loud, without restrictions and without shame. PAREE, I WAB YOU!!!!!

9.     JOKES. I am not the Joker. He is. He sees humor in every situation. Lito is that type of person that if there might seem to be no sunshine in our life, he'd be the one to create it. Everything would seem a little brighter even in the worst of times. Like recently, he was having a very very painful migraine, he asked for a pain reliever from the nurse. After downing the tablet, amidst his pain, he cracked a joke to the nurse, "Oh wow, nawala dayon ako migraine! Wow!" Or when that Onegative hunt was about to turn out futile, he's announcing that everything is made in China, even his blood. Lito loves to joke so much that he wants to be a stand-up comedian. Haha.. Laughter is the best medicine, they say. In our life, I say, with Lito around, we have a full stock of 'em. 

10.     PAIN. We have struggled so much during our years of being together. I have witnessed his pain and losses, as he also witnessed mine. At times when it’s so easy to give up, we tried to work things out instead. And as a couple, it’s not a bed of roses. But going through all those pain and heartaches makes surpassing them so much worth it because we are together in facing them.

11.  FAITH. We believe in angels and God and a Higher Supreme being. And though how we express that faith is different, we have our own personal way of praying and keeping that faith. I won’t say it here but somehow, we feel that we are united in faith, every time we say our prayers together. A relationship without God in the middle is a relationship doomed to fail.

12. STRENGTH.  I could strongly say that I am always so in awe of the person that Lito is. I've told Lito a lot of times that he is brave, he is my hero. Before the Big C, I was always impressed by his being so talented, brilliant, hardworking, smart in all the years that we've been together. All throughout these weeks since his diagnosis of the Big C, I am amazed that he still gives me the strength I need when he's the one who should be asking for it. Our experience has created a whole new respect for his being so courageous even if he says he fights the fight because of me and his family. It is so so ironic that the things I tell him before when we started dating--"You're my hero, my Wolverine, my Hulk, my wonder drug..." -- are still the most fitting after all these years. In summary, he is my hero. 

13 FRIENDSHIP. I believe we will be forever friends even if he’s not my man. He has been my friend since time immemorial, I can’t imagine not having him in my life as my friend. We laugh together, we tease each other (baboy! EPIC FAIL! Batig nawng, dakog tiyan) to death, tickle each other, fight over petty things then get things right a few minutes after, watch cartoons together. If there’s something good in my life, he’d be the first person I want to share the good news to. If there’s something bad, there’s no one else who could console me better than him. Having him is like having your most favorite cake with extra toppings and cream, and ice cream—or just having 20 warm brownie cups all by myself…

my super gwapo wab

I did not mention yet that I also happen to have a very handsome, strong, brave, witty and talented partner and I beam with pride just to be his wife. I look at him now—asleep at 430am, snoring and mumbling something. He woke up just now and gave me a smile. And he slept again. *sigh * I still have that warm feeling in my heart and I am declaring it here.

I am in love. I love this semi-bald, snoring and bratty husband of mine. To hell with analysis. To hell with cancer. I am happy. And no sickness or hair loss could cloud over that fact. I will forever stay by his side, no matter what. Because I love him. I love him because with him, I am never in dire need of a friend.

It’s now 5am and I am smiling my damn face off, giddy like a little girl seeing her crush during lunch break. Blame it on the milk. I am going back to decaf. 

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Lito is having a concert in our hospital room ever since the arrival of his guitar. He plays the guitar by the way, and other musical instruments like the piano and drums. Right now, even in the fluctuation of his blood counts, he is trying to let the music heal his soul and dedicates songs to me-- asking me what the meaning of the lyrics are (typical). 2 nights ago, he dedicated this song to me and I couldn't help but smile and love him more..