The Sensei Lessons: Calm Surrender

January 17, 2012

The Sensei Lessons: Calm Surrender

Friday the 13^th. Folklore has taught us that this day should not be taken lightly. I loathe this day. And as luck would have it, we will have 3 this year. This day, they say, brings out the worst of our fears.

For us who frequent the hospitals, Friday the 13^th is bull. There’s no such thing. For everyday here is Friday the 13^th. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ll be familiar with who I call the hospital zombies. These people are walking dead-- alive from the outside, dead from the inside. When you say fear, they’ve seen the worst of it. Facing death upfront, trying to make deals with whomever just to survive. In their eyes, you can swim in their pool of anxiety. They may not talk when we pass each other in the hallways but their weak smiles denote anxiety on what else is next. They walk forlornly, head facing the ground and their deep sighs reverberate enclosed spaces.

Who are these hospital zombies, you ask? These people are the loved ones of those who are sick for far too long, with conditions that are beyond what the normal non-medical mind could comprehend. I became one of them last Friday, the 1^st Friday the 13^th of the year.

It was the day Lito’s body temperature soared up to 40degrees and he was having chills. I have never seen his face so pale and his teeth were gnawing. The tips of his fingers got dark, he didn’t have the appetite, his smile was so weak, so was the rest of his body. I saw tears coming out from his eyes—from pain or anxiety, I have no idea. All I could do is pray, tell him I love him. I am happy that he responded that he loved me too, even though his voice was so weak. His lab results showed the following blood counts:

Hemoglobin- 7,000

White Blood cells- 3,000

Platelets- 51,000

It was time for blood transfusion. The Friday before Sinulog was so busy but I prayed that one of my donors could answer me. True enough, one answered—Simon. And he came here as fast as he could. I could not be more than grateful.

So, Friday the 13^th. It was also the day that I became one of the hospital zombies. The transformation was so horrifying. I have to stand by a corner and watch him as nurses and resident doctors come and go to check on him, his vital signs every 15mins. I was just there, chewing my fingernails, transfixed, mind blurred. When I was alone with him, I would sit at the corner of his bed and tell him random stuff just so I can keep his attention and also, to keep me sane..—

“Dy, remember we’re still going to see Hogwarts and you said we’re saving up for Hawaii and Europe?”

“Paree.. look at me.. this is a crazy fact from my phone: Crushed cockroaches can be used to relieve wounds.. You wouldn’t like that, would you?”

“Mywab, Levi is saying hello o…. Say ewow…”

"Dad... I can't hug you as much as I want to... Please, please tell me what is painful..."

And I sang a crazy song of ours—“Look at me, I’m as helpless as a kitten up a tree… "

The song Misty by our sneezing baby, Froto.. taken 5years ago. :)

He just gave me weak smiles to know he’s listening but I can’t help my tears from falling. Because like our crazy song adapted from Johnny Mathis, I got misty. And I haven’t felt as helpless. Like the mist on our car's windshield, our strength becomes blurry. Our hopeful hearts lose its clarity. My hands were shaking when I prayed and I was mumbling in my prayers, “Lord friend, I don't know what to pray.. I’ve never been this scared. I will not attempt to hide my fear from you so please Lord, be with me. I cannot do this alone… Please touch my wab and heal him..Lord ikaw na bahala.. Thy will be done… “ And for the lack of anything to say, I cried silently and prayed the Our Father.

I haven’t slept a wink during this time as this went on until Saturday, whole day, even if he was transfused with 1 packed RBC (Simon) and 1 bag of platelets (Harvey, thank you!). I was so scared, I didn’t know what to do. I became like them, the hospital zombies. You see, when we were kids, our monsters used to be under our bed. Now that we’re all grown up, they reside in our minds. And they feed on our fears, on our doubts and anxieties. These monsters make me weak, they make me walk forlornly at the lobby at 4am, wearing my pajamas, buying medicine for him at the pharmacy. Lito’s condition was uncertain and I had no one to talk to at 4am except God.

So I went again in my corner of the hospital room while Lito was having his chills again and I turned on my music player and listened to the song, “Still” by Hillsongs. Each word pierced through my heart. I closed my eyes and let the calm set in.

People commend me through texts or emails for being strong. But you know what, those who know me can attest to this, I wasn't this strong. I have always been the panicky one. I get nervous easily, I have hypertension, for God’s sake! But for the past 2 weeks, and especially at that time, I feel like I have been given a shell, a protection from emotional depression. I have always been analytical and when I don’t get answers, I get anxious, I panic. I want things to be certain.

In that moment, I declared that I am not like the hospital zombies. They fear life and what it brings, they fear death and the sorrow it may give. I say, a life without purpose should be feared more. Some are afraid of love, they are afraid to get hurt. With everything that Lito and I have been through, I’m more afraid, I guess, of a life without love and a heart full of hatred, They say love is responsible for all the pain in this world. But I disagree. For love is one of the most important things that has left me and Lito whole, despite the storms. Love is what has united our soldiers together, from different parts of the world, strangers who are reaching out, and helping. God's love has given us strength. And I believe it will be love that will lead us to total healing.

Yesterday, Monday, a day after Sinulog, 3days after that horrible Friday the 13^th, Lito’s fever slowly subsided, he complained of mouth sores and fever but he is much more energetic, he smiled and laughed at the Ninja jokes. There’s a natural rosy tinge already in his lips and best part of all, his lab tests turned out fine—no infection in his blood culture, platelets have gone high, cancer cells are still present but we are hoping that as WBC goes down, it will be eliminated as well. Friends, ninjas, soldiers, the sensei will never forsake us. We have knocked Heaven’s door with our prayers so loud He can’t help but embrace us all. For that, my heart, Lito’s heart is so full of gratitude.

But then, one thing I’ve learned in this journey of ours is that I can never be certain. I don’t know what would happen next. I cannot dictate God and say, “Do this or do that.” Who am I to do so? Instead, I have learned that it’s better to just accept the uncertainties and let Him take the lead. I believe deep in my heart that God has more in store for us. Acceptance of these uncertainties has somehow given me that sense of calm, that sense of peace, a feeling of submission, like I’ve been cradled and rocked to sleep. I will never take credit for that “strength” for I know that the sensei just gave me a very great weapon to face the Big C together with Lito—a gift of calm surrender, including my fears, my doubts, my worries. That calm surrender of the uncertainties has urged us to live each day to the fullest, happy to be alive another day, and to appreciate God's immense love and surprises. For if we know what happens next, what's the purpose of tomorrow? Everyday brings miracles—new friends, supporters, prayer warriors and a doze of God’s healing power. I am not certain yet what would happen next, but I will be still, for I know He is God. He is bigger and more powerful than our battles, or any Friday the 13th for that matter.

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