The Sensei Lessons: Trust

Splinter: You will listen now. My Master Yoshi's first rule was "Possess the right thinking." Only then can one recieve the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace. I have tried to channel your anger, Raphael, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward it is an unconquerable enemy. You are unique among your brothers, for you choose to face this enemy alone. But as you face it, do not forget them, and do not forget me. I am here, my son. 

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A ninja will never be a ninja without a sensei.

Sensei is the Japanese word for teacher or master. He is responsible for teaching a future ninja with skills and lessons that would aid the ninja with his own battles. The ninja turtles had Splinter as their master. Lito and I have a greater sensei, we call him by the name Lord Friend.

Our sensei, masterful as He is, reveals in ways we cannot see but felt within the heart. Sometimes, His ways are so confusing and frustrating but in the end, they are made instruments for our growth. I imagined this scenario in my head wherein Lito and I are ninjas asked by our sensei to find our path. We were too sure that we have found the right one because everything was smooth-sailing. Then right when we were about to reach the end of our path, there was a big roadblock, we had to make detours. We ask our sensei, “Where to now?” And He would reply, “Don’t go there. Find another path…” And of course, we question Him, “Why did you let us follow this path only to stop us when we were almost there? What’s the point of all these?”

Oftentimes, we meet roadblocks along our way. We ask the reasons for the roadblocks and our sensei, mysterious as He is, does not answer. So now, it’s up to the ninja and me to either detour as suggested or curse the sensei for a lesson we still don’t know yet. Our sensei taught us that same valuable lesson today. It was a difficult one to go through but we learned anyway.

I think I may have mentioned that at this point, Lito should not be having fever as that might denote infection. And infections would cause his white blood cells to rise, which is not the objective of the therapy. Yesterday, Lito woke up with a nice aura, he was smiling, cheerful and had an appetite. But his energy went down later in the afternoon and when we got hold of his temperature, it was at 37.3—fever. I panicked deep inside, most especially when his fever rose and became erratic in between 37-39deg. His doctor referred him again to an Internal Med to check for any infection. Lab analysts went inside the room to take several blood samples, his doctor recommended a higher dose of his antibiotics.  His IV stand was so full of medicines. It was heartbreaking to see. Lito felt so weak, his body was so sweaty and he had chills.

Lito's IV meds. The stand is getting heavier

I am human, after all. I tell you, no matter how you try to be strong, no matter how much faith you have, there’s no holding back the heart from being hurt when you see that the one you love is suffering.  You feel anger and since there’s no one to turn to for this anger, I naturally turn this anger to someone I could not see—God. I asked Him why he’s punishing us. There was no answer.  I try to bargain with him, if I could just take my husband’s sickness and let it be mine instead. Still, there was no answer.  So, in my heart, I shouted, “Are you going to just sit there and just let me pretend that you’re there even when you’re not? Do you really exist? Are you even listening to us???” Amidst panic, I lashed out my anger to Him.  

I could not sleep knowing that Lito’s condition wasn’t stable. I asked our Ninja Soldiers to pray with me. Lito and I prayed, too. Amidst my angry heart, we thanked God for our blessings today, asked him for guidance and strength as we face another day and lead us to the right path. And then right after we prayed, I received this text, from Elisa, a friend of ours, which said “Hi Ate Ara! This is the snippet of the reflection for the gospel today. As John Jay (her husband) and I were reading it, we thought of you: Jesus takes care of those whom we love. When we dedicate ourselves to Jesus and His mission, Jesus frees us from our worries over our loved ones. Jesus is available for all, to help and to heal. He reaches out to us. He looks for us and will never stop until He finds us. “

The last line struck me. And I felt a heavy burden lifted from my heart as if I was tapped in the head, hugged warmly and being given a pat on the shoulder. I texted Elisa back, “Kahilakon ko gurl (I’m about to cry, girl.) You’ll know why. Thank you.”

Our sensei has just taught us that if I listen well, if I just open my heart and follow His ways, He has never left us in our journey.  Roadblocks are His instruments to lead us to where we should go. He’s telling me we are not alone. I can feel His presence and love through his instruments. I felt his immense love and care through the words of friends, bible verses, a surprise call or a random text or simple gestures of care, through the multitude of supporters and prayers warriors, our Ninja soldiers. I feel that He is telling me to trust in Him more, to run to Him, surrender our fears, our worries completely for if I love my husband, He loves his child too. He will never stop until He can reach out to us, and assure us that while the journey is long and hard, He is there amidst the roadblocks, to lead us to the right path. And to tell you honestly, in the most bizarre of ways, we have never been this close to Him, we have never totally reached out until now. 

Early this morning, at 5am, Lito’s fever went down to 37degrees and has stabilized until 10am, going down at a normal 36.6—the sensei’s way of saying, “Everything will be okay”.  Thank you Lord for not letting us go through this battle alone and unarmed. You are our sensei. We trust you.

 God is peace. God is hope. God is strength. With a sensei like this, what ninja could not win any  battle? We just have to trust. Most of all, our sensei is also love itself. As I was serving my husband his breakfast, I felt the sensei’s presence when Lito told me, “I love you very much, mywab.. Thank you.” And I told him I love him too, very very much. In a way, God has reached out again to me through our love towards each other. As long as our love is there, the journey, no matter how many detours and roadblocks would come our way, it will all be worth it. Somehow, we will find our path. 

Sensei, I humbly put down my sword and surrender myself to your teachings. For without you, we are nothing. 

Prayer for today:

Lord, we surrender our fears and worries to you. Teach us to trust you more in your will, in your ways. Make us an instrument of your peace, make us instruments of your love. Give us enough strength to be so. Thank you for the roadblocks, thank you for never leaving our side in this journey and in this battle.

A song shared by my Dad over Facebook.... He sang this to me, once. And again, this song has helped me again. Music heals. God heals. 

Recent Pictures:

Lito anxious with his first "louvey" experience-- suppository to be inserted in his bottom to ease constipation. :p

Thank you Ninja Soldiers Toni and Noemi for this wonderful ninja figurine from Australia.. 

Movies for the Ninja. Less than 24hrs upon request to bring us movies, Ninja Soldiers offered their Hard Drives and HD movies for our Ninja Master to be entertained here in the hospital (Thank you NS Melvin, NS Toni and NS Noemi)

Shave, they say? Video soon! Thank you NS Eloise and NS Homer for the instant delivery  of these shaving tools. :) 

Pic taken today, lunch.. After that fever scare, our Ninja Master is up and about, ready to kick back the Big C's ass. Thank you NS Anna for another hearty lunch. :)