Our Defining Moment
There are big moments in our lives that will change our lives forever. It does not give you a warning signal, nor does it ask you to be ready. It just comes at the most unexpected of times, knocks you down when you were not looking, just when life was starting to get better and it just pushes you to be strong enough to face them.
My big moment was when Dr. Nanan Cabahug told us Lito has Acute Myeloid Leukemia. That was around 5:30pm on the 2nd of January, in her PSH clinic. While I was drowning in her words, my senses were heightened. She was wearing white, I could see her even white teeth and the charts behind her. I heard her secretary laugh outside, maybe at some joke with another patient, I felt Lito shifted his weight on his chair next to mine, he was trying to rub his palms together, trying to calm himself. I was on the verge of tears and I felt my tears hanging at the corners of my eyes-- one blink would release them, I know. I felt my heart beating fast, and the back of my neck getting numb, evident of a rising blood pressure. It was the second of January, exactly 59 days, 1hour and 33 minutes as of this writing.
That was our defining moment. And it has changed our lives forever.
Much as we want to wish that cancer will someday just be an ordinary zodiac sign, it isn't so in our lives for now. But yeah, cancer did change our lives.
Let me tell you how:
1. Without our battles, the idea of holding on to faith was just a cliche we say to people who are suffering. It's a statement that fills in the blanks when there are no words to comfort someone, "Hold on.. Do not give up, God is with you". But when you are in the midst of life's toughest storms, these words transform into life savers and you say these things to yourself, not for the lack of words, but because it gives you strength. As they say, you don't know how strong you become when being strong is the only option you have left.
2. Have you ever felt like you are being too strong sometimes? Do you just want to break down and let it all out but can't? Cancer has taught me to embrace my weakness sometimes and just let the tears flow, to cleanse our hearts and our eyes. Then, things will become clearer.
For such a long time, I've been keeping feelings to myself so as not to affect anyone with my being weak not knowing that to be weak gives us the avenue to be stronger. Sure, I open up to a few friends but sometimes, the talk is not enough to ease the pain inside.
I was driving along Mandaue, that intersection where when you go left, you would pass by San Miguel and when when you go down right, you will pass by CIC Mandaue. My mind was blank and I didn't notice the No Entry sign. I was stopped by two uniformed traffic enforcers-- a girl and a boy. They said that I broke the No Entry rule and that they have to take my license. I was so calm (surprisingly) and told them that I didn't notice the sign. Then they said that it's really against the rules so I need to give them my license. And without warning, I cried. In front of two traffic enforcers. And I was mumbling about my husband having leukemia and that I am emotionally tired. I was spilling out my life story about Levi. I told them they can take my license but I don't have time to get it at LTO because I will be devoting my time taking care of my husband. I cried and tears just flowed in front of these two hapless victims who apologized and told me to forget about me breaking the rule and if I need water. They told me to just go straight and to mind traffic signs and they wished Lito well. I thank them, whoever they are, and someday I will personally personally show them my gratitude. For in that day, they have taught me that God sends angels in the form of ordinary people and this time, traffic enforcers, telling me that it's okay to be weak at times, it's okay to break down and it's okay to just let it all out.
Looking back, I find it funny now and wondered how shocked those two were when someone actually cried in front of them. Their kindness let me off a traffic ticket and also me realize that I cannot do everything alone. To know that I need help and assistance allowed me to regain a sense of equilibrium. Learning to put my pride down and allow people to reach out and help us was a great gift to me.
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| our lives are defined |
Much as we want to wish that cancer will someday just be an ordinary zodiac sign, it isn't so in our lives for now. But yeah, cancer did change our lives.
Let me tell you how:
1. Without our battles, the idea of holding on to faith was just a cliche we say to people who are suffering. It's a statement that fills in the blanks when there are no words to comfort someone, "Hold on.. Do not give up, God is with you". But when you are in the midst of life's toughest storms, these words transform into life savers and you say these things to yourself, not for the lack of words, but because it gives you strength. As they say, you don't know how strong you become when being strong is the only option you have left.
2. Have you ever felt like you are being too strong sometimes? Do you just want to break down and let it all out but can't? Cancer has taught me to embrace my weakness sometimes and just let the tears flow, to cleanse our hearts and our eyes. Then, things will become clearer.
For such a long time, I've been keeping feelings to myself so as not to affect anyone with my being weak not knowing that to be weak gives us the avenue to be stronger. Sure, I open up to a few friends but sometimes, the talk is not enough to ease the pain inside.I was driving along Mandaue, that intersection where when you go left, you would pass by San Miguel and when when you go down right, you will pass by CIC Mandaue. My mind was blank and I didn't notice the No Entry sign. I was stopped by two uniformed traffic enforcers-- a girl and a boy. They said that I broke the No Entry rule and that they have to take my license. I was so calm (surprisingly) and told them that I didn't notice the sign. Then they said that it's really against the rules so I need to give them my license. And without warning, I cried. In front of two traffic enforcers. And I was mumbling about my husband having leukemia and that I am emotionally tired. I was spilling out my life story about Levi. I told them they can take my license but I don't have time to get it at LTO because I will be devoting my time taking care of my husband. I cried and tears just flowed in front of these two hapless victims who apologized and told me to forget about me breaking the rule and if I need water. They told me to just go straight and to mind traffic signs and they wished Lito well. I thank them, whoever they are, and someday I will personally personally show them my gratitude. For in that day, they have taught me that God sends angels in the form of ordinary people and this time, traffic enforcers, telling me that it's okay to be weak at times, it's okay to break down and it's okay to just let it all out.
Looking back, I find it funny now and wondered how shocked those two were when someone actually cried in front of them. Their kindness let me off a traffic ticket and also me realize that I cannot do everything alone. To know that I need help and assistance allowed me to regain a sense of equilibrium. Learning to put my pride down and allow people to reach out and help us was a great gift to me.
3. Our illusion about having control of the future has vanished. For who are we to know that tomorrow is all good? Who are we to know that in the next year, we will still be in the pink of health? This is not a morbid way of seeing things, it's more of submission that we do not navigate our lives and we just cannot direct ourselves to where we want to go. Instead, we are navigating the path of survivors and of a Supreme Higher Being (God, our sensei), and we are ready to go where this will take us. In this perspective, fear is replaced with gratitude and the innate sense to be a blessing to others based on our journey.
4. Lito once said, "I know the risks and I know the worst that could happen to me. But I don't wanna live my life dwelling on the negatives. I'd rather spend my days playing Starcraft 2, teasing you, being with my family and just be happy". We see things now as another adventure. We now focus on every meaningful moment. Yes there's a chance of relapse and very low blood counts and infections that might be fatal but in every moment, we enjoy life. We thank God for every morning that we wake up and have the opportunity to enjoy life again. We brace ourselves for the worst and pray for the best. A good set of attitude pushes us to be better in seeing a good perspective of things. You see, whether you see it in a good or bad way, it will happen nevertheless. Might as well choose to be happy in every day.
5. We are not reduced by life's mediocrities. I browsed on my Facebook statuses before and I cringed on the petty issues I once complained so much about-- traitors, stress over work, traffic lights, the government. Sure, I still get affected with these issues but compared to the mammoth of a problem we have called cancer, these are nothing. With cancer, patience is increased. It's like when before, I used to curse every red light, I focus more now on on the green ones.
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| the minion at the right |
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| kissing the minion-haired wab |
6. Lito and I are even close than ever since this experience. All of our relationships with family and friends have deepened, matured and intensified. This experience has left us overwhelmingly humbled. Lito and I are able to laugh even with the chemo's side effects like his hair loss. Instead of crying over losing hair, I get to say that he looks like a minion, and a cute one at that (see Despicable me minions and their hair). I actually love kissing his bald head and he uses this as a tool (he offers his head for me to kiss it) whenever I get frustrated with his being bratty at times, and then I feel better. I get to laugh so hard with him and simple words like, "Tonight... Port-a-cath, Persian khat, Chicken Truck, etc." in his tone, will leave us laughing our hearts out before we go to sleep.
7. We get to touch people's lives through our stories.
So why are you here? Why are you reading this? I may not know you but somehow, this has reached you. And with that, we have the gift to touch you with how we are braving life's storms. Indeed, I have received lots of emails thanking us for these articles and for sharing a part of our lives. We hope that by sharing our story, we have somehow encouraged you with our journey together. To urge you to never lose hope as much as we will never stop hoping and praying and believing. To let you know that life gives us storms yet it also gives us enough strength to face it through. To tell you that you are loved, and that in the world of cancer, life is not defined by merely existing but in the meaningful pursuits of survival. Life with cancer puts humanity a chance to think about life, to think about what matters most. With this, we somehow become one in hope and in faith. There are no background checks or illusions of grandeur, no rich or poor, no status, no judgment when it comes to touching other people's lives. Life is much more beautiful when you are being knocked down. For it gives you the perfect position to kneel and pray.
8. We get to live again.
In summary, we choose to see life in all its positivities. Sure, we can choose to let negativity eat us and be angry with the world, cry our hearts out, ask God why and be bitter about it. Or we can always accept the fact that we are grateful for this experience for when faced upfront with the eyes of death and misery, we get to live again.
A friend of mine told me that she was astounded by how positive my aura was, even after we lost our Levi and when Lito was diagnosed with AML. Another acquaintance said that God may have punished us for something. I told him, if we did make mistakes, I don't think God is a punishing God. I always see him as a parent and with that, the illustration below clearly defined this perspective.
Victory is with us. Full health has not recovered yet but I know Lito is successful already. His success lies in his great sense of humour, determination, ‘just do it’ attitude (I could not be more proud of him than seeing him braving all these with a smile) and the unselfish support from friends, strangers, clients, doctors, nurses, relatives and family. The success also lies in these everyday moments I mentioned here.
For life is not defined by success alone but with our struggles and with each and every moment of falling down, getting back up, believing, hoping and loving.
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| Power-up Wall mounted at Lito's bedside wall. You can drop by notes of encouragement. :) |
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| Yeah, let's do this! My upbeat wab ready for his chemo re-induction |
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| Badlungon. Eating Mang Juan Chicharon just because it's addictive hehehe.. |
