Sweetest Downfall

The History books forgot about us, and the Bible didn’t mention us. Not even once. You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.

Regina Spektor’s Samson always brings me a nostalgic grip in the heart.

It has with it a melancholic melody, a set of deep lyrics full of hidden meanings and a truckload of memories for me.

Carl and me advertising Popoy's. hehe

What was the occasion, then? I couldn’t remember. All I remember is that we were all together, we had to drive back and forth twice from the house to the beach house because we didn’t have a big car. When others would have grumbled with this task, I remember that we were happy just because this is a rare opportunity for all of us to be out.

You were excited, we brought lots of food and you grilled barbecue. There were lots of people at the beach, I remember you laughing as you commented on each distinctive one. You were so good at the details, describing and comparing them to comic stars and stuff. I remember that rich, boisterous laughter you have—that sarcastic guffaw that would erupt into peals of laughter. Whatever mood I’m in, when I hear you laugh, I can’t help but laugh back.

Carl with Sharon, AG and me at Easter-filled Hadsan

I remember you smiling, especially when you see Daddy and Mommy happy, or when you talk about your efforts to make the environment a little cleaner, or when you talk about a good song or a good movie. You also smile when we make plans of meeting up, or when a memory would hit you, most especially about the craziness of my big brother.

I remember you smothering your body and your face with sunblock cream as you went boating with Jingjing and the rest of the boys. I didn’t know why I didn’t go. I would have, if I could turn back time. I was envious when you went back, with all your stories to tell, and I cannot relate because I didn’t go.

It was one heck of a day.

Sen and Carl-- best friends since high school
circa 1991

We went back to the house, the second batch. We were so full in the car and we had to laugh at the hilarity of the situation. We were belting out E-heads songs with the radio up. And then you nudged me and said, have you heard of this song? And you were mouthing the lyrics to Samson. From then on, every time I hear this song, you always pop in my head.

And now that I've thought about it, that was the last time we all went out together as a family at the beach. That was five years ago. It was also the last time that we all got to be with you.

"We are the Carol kings and we'd love to say We smoke!" haha

We talked about people passing away, about people getting killed and about eternal life when we go through it. We talked about this when we had our failed drinking sessions (failed because you go red after one glass). But not once did we ever talked about you going away first. I remember being so stunned when Mommy woke me up at dawn telling me that you were gone. Up to this very moment, I can rel-live and remember the pain, that pang in the heart, the disbelief, the plea for bargain with God (as if there’s something we can do), the tears.  Up to this very moment, I guess, I have never allowed myself to accept the fact that you really are gone.

It has been five years since you’ve been gone. Time heals broken hearts, they say. Perhaps. But for those whose hearts are broken by the departure of people who have never hurt them, who never did them wrong and who only brings light to every day and every situation, the broken hearts try to mend but time is not enough to do so. I know this because even after five years, you are missed—greatly, deeply and painfully. You are taken from us abruptly, there wasn’t enough time to say goodbye properly, or give you the proper embrace or hug that you so deserve. It just isn’t right.

I wonder what would it be if you were here now.

You would gladly reach out a helping hand

I would have an instant shoulder to cry on any time and anywhere. One text, and you would go straight to where I am. You would have been happy with the many additional “tribal” babies in the “Kabilang Building” group—Gian, Lara, Jacob, Tyty, Steph, Mary and Elijah (in the next few months). You would have made lots of statements with some things. You would have been one of Nanie’s best men or Lito’s, or AG’s. You would have made sure we never listen to Bieber songs and go full blast with Eheads instead.

You would have been very happy with Arjo’s chess prodigy. You would have been with Mommy, Nanie and I as we witnessed Malyn and Arje graduating. You would have shared the pride and happiness. You would have been in every birthday, holiday, special occasion—good or bad. You would have complete social media widgets and apps-- from Twitter to Facebook to Path, and you would beat me in Scramble with Friends and smash me with your drawings at Draw Something.

I would have loved to let you meet my new friends, how I wished they would have known you and they would understand why I feel so blessed to have you in our lives. You would have watched dozens of movies with us, go to concerts, try new restaurants and frown at the thought of Anne Curtis doing a world tour.  And.. come to think of it,  you would have been the first one to know exactly how I was feeling with everything that’s happening, even without saying a word.

one New Year night when everyone was complete, invaded Cebu streets
after belting Karaoke songs

Would have. Could have. Should have. Aren’t those the saddest words?

There are so many I could mention but then, they could never bring you back.

Here’s another one:

Today, you would have been 34. I could imagine you saying, “So what, if I’m 34??” I could imagine you doing something adventurous, something new—maybe ziplining in Ozamis or go mountain trekking. Who knows? You are that unpredictable. But one thing’s for sure—you loved life. And you made sure that the people who love you are happy and loved as well.

Argh. All I’m saying is, things could have been way way different and so much better with you around. They say there’s a reason for everything and that things will just unravel in due time. Well, for now, it hasn’t. I haven’t seen the reasons yet, except for maybe, sealing a closer bond with us and your family, seeing how strong your Mom (Tita Malou is one of my idols when it comes to being strong amidst adversities) and the rest of your family is. But, other than that… I still can’t see the reasons. Justice hasn't been served as well. So maybe that's one of the reasons why I refuse to accept that you are gone. 

If every day was like this. 

I miss you, Carl. And wherever you might be, I hope you are playing with my Levi, chatting with Tito Jun and Tito Boy and Papa, laughing with us in our moments of happiness, crying with us in our sorrows, looking after us and holding us close when times get rough. For the meantime, I’ll turn my player on, listen to your song and imagine that you are singing this with me.

Oh, I cut his hair one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light..and he told me that i'd done all right and kissed me til the morning light...

 Happy Birthday, Carl. I love you, we love you.

No idea who I'm talking about? Too bad, he's one of the greatest persons ever. However, you might wanna check this link to know more:  Remembering Carl