Throwing Away Records

My heart broke when one of our couple friends told us that they are considering divorce. Names and details, I will not mention for the protection of their privacy. This must be the second time that Lito and I were told of announcements like this, more than a dozen of times were we asked advice for those who are in relationships that are shaky or about to end. I respect whatever it is that led them to decide this but my heart still feels broken because I vividly remember the time we covered their wedding—they were so in love, so happy, it seemed the magic of love was swirling in total surrender for every single person there to sigh and wonder—when would be my turn? And now I wonder, what happened to them. Which inspired me to write about divorce in general and the possible reasons of why marriages end in it.  

Divorce, even if everyone else is pushing it to be legalized in the Philippines, is such an alien word for me. This is because I am surrounded with too much love amidst trials from the model people I know—my Papa Carling and Mama Sising (Lolo and Lola) eating a single corn on the cob and holding hands (yes, swaying too) at SM without a care in the world; my Daddy and Mommy still saying sweet nothings even though my Dad was suffering half-body paralysis (on his way to recovery, thanks to my instant nurse of a Mom), and Lito’s parents, Papa and Mama, who love to tease each other, with Papa taking care of Mama when she’s sick and taking care of everything else.

We are blessed, yes. But we see couples who are still blessed like us, yet they decide to end things. When asked, most reasons would be summarized to “I fell out of love”, “I am not happy anymore”, “I am not the same person I was”.  More often than not, I ask myself if the loss of feelings happened overnight or was it a decision that was just hanging there when things just happen again and again and again and there was no compromise or truce or whatever.

sweet? real scenario: i was so mad at him during this time
he tried to sweeten the anger away by kissing my forehead and
teasing me all day. :) 
I remember one time Lito and I had a very big fight. I forgot what the fight was but I remembered I was so angry that I projected my frustration to my siblings and my parents, etc. I then texted my parents about my anger towards Lito, hoping I could find some encouragement and for them to fight for me, too.  Have you ever felt that feeling where you text your emotions out and you just received a simple “k” in reply? Frustrating, right? Well, in my 3parts of a text to my Dad, he replied this one-liner that again, kept my eyes rolling and almost made me throw my phone. He just said, “Love keeps no record of wrongs—1 Cor 13:5”. Okay, so I really didn’t throw my phone but I didn’t reply. Long story short, Lito and I patched things up eventually but my Dad’s text has been very helpful in many times during my marriage and our trials that I just love him more for that, with his philosophical one-liner, biblical whims.

I will not try to be philosophical too because I am no philosopher (duh), but I am just going to write my thoughts out regarding this thing called divorce. I will not say that I am against it but I can say that I am pro-marriage and if there are still ways to save a marriage, then I believe we are capable to decide so as much as we were capable when we decided to be with that person for the rest of our lives.

Do I believe in falling out of love? I don’t. I guess, in the most honest of truths, falling out of love is just a sugar coat of becoming too selfish to love. We all know how to love our partner, we really do. It’s just that we refuse to do these things because they are not doing things for us, they are not giving us what we want. That is probably how majority of relationships end. The if-you-don’t-do-it-for-me-I’m-not-going-to-do-it-for-you-syndrome (David Wygant, Washington Post).  Unless recognized that this syndrome is internal and that you have to fix it yourself, blindness to said syndrome will eventually lead you to looking for faults in your partner or finding solace in other relationships without knowing that this syndrome will go back to haunt you and future relationships will also eventually go down the dumps.

My dad quoted the book of Corinthians about not keeping a record of wrongs. I concur to said biblical line but I’d like to add:  do not keep a record of rights, too (or better, do not keep a record at all!). If we keep a record of rights, we tend to have the capacity to nag in the future: “I did this and this is what you do to me in return?” Gone is  the significance of being one in marriage because selfishness divides two people in love. Instead of being one and asking, "What's in it for us?", the selfish one says, "What's in it for me?"  Things will now look like a life tally machine where we tell who’s winning by who does more.

Life and relationships are not a game of chess where you strategize your moves and wait for the other before you do your move. It is when we refuse to love our partner the way they need us to love them and insist that they love us the way we want to, that battleground lines are set. When ego and selfishness takes over, love becomes a dangerous game of chess that has slim chances of surviving or finding love in that relationship again.

Marriage should not end just because there isn’t something in it for you anymore. Rather, its magic will begin to feel alive again when you find semblance in nothingness—when you can still do so much because it brings meaning to your life, and you become a better person out of it. A better person means a person so full of love that love from your partner is not begged or forced, and a person worthy of respect.

At this time that Lito cannot spoil me as much as he wants to, I am happy to say that this is the time also that I get to love him most and I get to have the chance to spoil him this time.  I don’t find reasons to bail out just because there’s nothing in it for me. Instead, I think of what he needs at this time to make him feel loved and how I can provide him that need.  I believe in everything that I do for Lito, I do this because I love him. I do this because I am happy doing this, I am happy being his friend, I am happy being his wife, I am happy to hold his hand when his fever spikes up or when he asks that I give him a hug because he feels cold during his chills. If he became ill prior to the onset of our wedding, I would still marry him. Illness doesn’t diminish the love, it makes us stronger, it makes us closer, it gives us a chance to love and care and become better persons and it makes us appreciate each other more. 

Love is a wonderful thing and it is a strong one, much stronger than divorce. Maybe if both partners decide to spend a little bit of time every day loving the other instead of keeping a record and tallying who does more or responding by how they treat or have treated us, then maybe, there’s no need for divorce after all. 

just my thoughts. 

xoxo, 
ara 


Battle Updates: 

* Day 6 of Lito's Cytarabine chemotherapy: Contrary to his very energetic self in the first 5days, effects of therapy started early in the re-induction cycle. It has taken most of his energy away and his blood counts (WBC) are starting to spiral down. His fever spiked up to 40average last night and he was having chills. Most of his food intakes are vomited and he feels uneasy (maybe because of the medicines). There are 4 tubes connected now to his port-a-cath. 
Stronger antibiotics are now given and I am trying to keep his appetite (first time I've seen him eat so little). As per Lito, this cycle is much worse than the first one. He has never felt as weak.Please keep on praying with us as we face the coming days. 



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