Thrown in the Air

I usually text certain people when I am down. This morning, I texted them because when I feel empty, a lot of other feelings would try to rush inside me. One of my friends reminded me of my article that I wrote last Sinulog, about having faith like that of little children. I read my article again and it's ironic that my own writing hit me like I did not write it, like I am the reader this time. My own article saved me from hopelessness. Thank you for reminding, gurl.. 

Here's the article: Faith Like that of Little Children

The 3rd Sunday of January creates an exciting call to every Cebuano. As it approaches, the streets of Cebu seem to get a little bit busier (even busier than Christmas), public places play festive tunes where your subconscious sings with the beat of the Sinulog theme. You complain that there is no other thing you can hear but you mum the words anyway. 

Yes, it’s Sinulog. It’s time to shagit ug kusog-- Pit Senyor! Pit Senyor!

Sinulog is the feast of the Child Jesus, Sr. Sto. Nino. Miracles have been claimed connected to the devotion and the mercy of Cebu City’s patron. No wonder novenas and processions are so full and crowded, amidst traffic, amidst rain, amidst possible threats of terrorism. Such is the Cebuano faith. When you raise your hands together with the multitudes singing Bato Balani sa Gugma, you can’t help but tear up and somehow, your faith is notched up to higher levels. 

But what is Sinulog, really? And what does the Sto. Nino mean to each and every one of you? 

There were debates if the Sto. Nino is a patron saint or a God. 
For me, Sinulog or the feast of the Child King is more than the statue, more than the prayer novenas and more than lighting up of a million candles for your intercessions. Sinulog is you, Sinulog is me. For Sinulog lives in each and every one of us. It reminds us that faith and devotion to a Being much more superior and divine than any other. And I am not just talking about faith and religion. Sr. Sto Nino for me is a reminder that each and every one of us has the capacity to give out faith like that of a child. 

Have you ever witnessed a child being thrown up in the air and the parent or adult catches the child? It is very heartwarming to see a child laugh with glee that he/she is thrown only to be picked up by loving arms. Some would even demand more throws in the air! I say, that is an example of full trust and utmost submission. 

Imagine if you are that child. If you are thrown in the air right now without any assurance other than the mere thought that the one who threw you will also be the one to catch you, would you still laugh with glee? I’m sure you would say, “Bahala ka diha uy, ikaw lang! (No way, you do it yourself!) But don’t you think that like any other parent, God also throws us up in the air and asks us to trust Him that He will never allow His children to fall? 

Thrown in the air would mean trials, problems, inexplicable situations and other catastrophies in life. Thrown in the air is when everything seems to go wrong and you don't know if there is any way things will turn out right. Thrown in the air is that feeling when you feel that you are alone and you are breaking into pieces because there is no one there to understand or to catch you at your lowest, right when you are about to fall...

Sad thing about life is as we grow up, we also lose our trust in others, in our own selves and most of all in God. We have lost that unique faith of just believing that somehow, while it is raining today, it won't be raining forever. We don’t know that when we are thrown in the air, we need to have faith in Him, give utmost trust without any questions whatsoever. Because like any parent, God will never leave us uncaught, He will never leave us to fall. God asks us to trust Him with a faith like that of a child. 

I would like to believe that while I won’t be in the streets this year for the Sinulog celebration as my husband and I are also thrown in the air at this point, I am one in faith with the multitudes of believers, raising their hands up in the air, singing Bato Balani sa Gugma--- just like little children, raising their hands to God, giving Him the power to direct us right back to His loving arms. 



I wish you and every one reading this faith, hope and trust, like that of a child. 



originally posted as an editorial in iSTORYA.NET. click here. 






***

This chemotherapy re-induction was a very bumpy ride. While we wished that we would not stay in the hospital for long, certain circumstances didn't allow for that wish to come true. 

Here are my updates from the Ninja Group to summarize what we went through: 

February 29, 2012

we're back at the hospital for another lengthy stay and another chemo induction.. our ninja is upbeat and nurses/hosp staff all gave him smiles of welcome.. it's step 2 in our battles and with all your prayers and our sensei's guidance, i am sure victory is near... aja aja! 

March 1, 2012

Day 2, Chemo Dose 2: Today, we will start the 2nd Chemo Re-induction. We are just waiting for our friendly Hema-Onco Nurses. Our ninja took a bath already. Doc Nanan already told us to brace ourselves as we will be giving our ninja the same dose as the last time, but with lower WBC counts this time. What to expect: A weaker ninja due to said dose with very risky chances of infection. So we will be stricter now with the reverse isolation. However, I have prepared stick-on pads and colored pens just in case anyone of you could drop by (outside the room of course) and write a little something for him. You can also send pictures or any other things that I can post. Let me know ahead (text me) if you will do so. I'm going to stick it to our Power-up Wall. The more notes of encouragement, I am sure the more his energy will boost up. As always, we ask you to pray with us as we face another battle. I will try to calm down and bask in God's assurance that everything will be fine. We just have to trust in Him. Aja, ninjas! Dose 2, here we go. :)

March 6, 2012

Dear Lord Friend, here we are again, facing one of the scariest moments of Lito's therapy--blood counts are going down, body temp going up (fever now at 39av and rising), energy going down. We surrender everything (our fears, our hope and our faith) to your healing hands. And with this, we will be still because you are our Father and our Friend, our true healer and our God. Please guide the doctors and nurses as we go thru this, please heal Lito and may I and all those who love and pray for Lito draw strength from your love... Thank you in advance, Lord Friend.. Amen

March 7, 2012

updated power-up wall.. thank u to those who dropped by and contributed notes lf encouragement. everyday, this is the first thing lito reads and he's really motivated, even if his vomits are occuring more often than not. as per him, it's like his insides are turned over. but he is still our upbeat ninja and i am very proud of him as he keeps a smiling face and his humor is still intact (me the butt of his jokes huhu). he is also active in twitter, u can follow and tweet with him @litoinso. thanks ninjas! have a happy sunday!

March 8, 2012

Latest Update: As of late last night, Lito's fever went down and normalized half an hour after we prayed together and his antibiotics were changed. He didn't have any chills as of this writing but blood counts are still decreasing, as expected. He is now up and about, asking for food from Macaron Tango and he is back to his upbeat self. I am so happy with the daily miracles that our God sensei always brings us. Thank you for your prayers. This is the latest development. We take this battle one step at a time, with strength and pride entrusted to our Lord God Almighty. Today, all is well. :)

March 14, 2012

What a looooonnggg and tiring day it was for us. Lito's counts went down as expected but unlike his first chemo, he was upbeat this time... It was a challenging day as well for the donors but surprisingly, I was calm and composed and everything went well. Lito will have his first platelet transfusion in a few hours because ninja donors are there to help us anytime. Salamat kaayo ninyo.. Please pray for Lito's mom as well who's battling another form of cancer. With your support in prayers and thoughts and with God's constant grace and mercy, everything went well. just like today, the day may have been long but it sure passed by with a lot of things to be thankful for..and now I feel so rested when my head finally touched pillows. Aja ninjas! God bless us all..

March 15, 2012

Latest update: While it was a long day yesterday, today started with an early one. First, I would like to thank our fellow ninja here (MJP) who went to Chong Hua for screening and transfusion even at short notice. Lito's transfusion started at 1am and he woke up at around 130am complaining of itchiness. Then we saw inflamed rashes (murag til-as) all over his body, including his head, buttocks, arms, chest, etc. His skin was hot to the touch, he had nausea and his bp went down as low as 60/40. He was having chills and we found out later on that he was suffering from allergic reactions to the transfusion, not because he was allergic to the donor's platelets but because his system produced antibodies that caused allergic reaction. He was then injected with steroids and around an hour after, his BP stabilized and his chills subsided and his rashes slowly faded. We monitored him til around 6am. As of this writing, his blood counts increased which is a good sign, at least he didn't reject the platelets. It was scary at the same time, and it was unforgettable but I felt you, God. I felt you beside me and beside him. For that, I thank you for never leaving our side. Thank you as well for the prayers and support, ninjas. All is well. Now I need to rest my eyes for a bit. :)

March 17, 2012

hi ninjas, we are feeling a little down today. we were given earlier plans that we might be able to go home early next week as lito's counts started to rise after the transfusion. however, a new infection settled in his rectum after a resident doctor did a rectal without the patient's consent and without our attending doctors' consent (as of this writing, resident doctor was reprimanded by both our Hema and Infectious Diseases docs, banned in looking after lito per our request, and we might file complaints against this doctor). The simple abrasion in his rectum which turned into an infection has now caused him to have fevers, chills and a decrease in platelet counts--we are praying we will not have another platelet transfusion but we are advised to have more donors screened already. A new and more expensive set of antibiotics (IV) are now given, giving us at least 7 more days of reverse isolation in the hospital. :(
I know and I believe that you are with us in prayers, ninjas. But I wouldn't stop asking to please pray for more, for everyone who's fighting their own battles, let's pray for daily miracles. Thank you ninjas. Thank you.

-i am very much frustrated with this because this doc doesnt know the repercussions of her said setback-- more days in the hosp, more gasto, more stress, possibility of using our very rare ninja donors' platelets. 
what's worse is she hasn't even said sorry maski once and goes into the room (before she was banned) as if nothing happened.

-he had a simple abrasion that could have been treated with simple antibacterial gels. The force of the rectal exam caused it to wound and be infected. 
Noted that NO ONE can do invasive check-up with lito unless ordered by attending doctors. Not even our attending doctors did an invasive check-up to avoid risk of infection.

 -lito's complaint (abrasion) was very minor and could have been treated simply if circumstances are NORMAL. but his condition is not normal thus extra precautions were observed in every thing that we do for him.
what's worse is: they can't do minor surgery or any other thing aside from giving him antibiotics because of his dangerously low platelet counts and increasing WBC counts. i'm no doctor but this could have been avoided.
so frustrated because on my part and our attending doctors' part, we did everything we could for lito not to have any infection. and yet, this is what she did. arggh.. so angry right now.

March 18, 2012

-been up almost all night, lito cries and screams out of pain, describes it as a 10 (pain level) esp when defecating, 9 when untouched. it pains me that i cannot do anything more than to be with him and to pray.
times like these fill me with outrage because this could have been prevented. i am no saint. i am just a concerned and frustrated wife. and i am going to file that formal complaint.

-it was uncalled for. the instruction of our attending physician was to check rectal area but no instruction given to do a rectal exam... while lito was screaming when she did it, she acted as if nothing happened. 

Why am I writing about this outrage? It's because I take things matters seriously. From the reverse isolation to the minute medications to not being able to hug my husband as much as I want to, to avoid infection. The hardest part in this cycle is to see Lito suffer by some people who obviously did not do their job well. NOTE that I am not mentioning names here. I hope that I will not be provoked to do so. 

Things are to be taken seriously because it was bad enough that the first cycle did not give Lito the complete remission we wanted. We pray that this second cycle will bring him total remission because if not, it would be difficult for us to proceed with treatment considering he does not have any stem cell transplant donor.